This was actually started as an idea for a short film. The local film co-op asked me to come up something. I figured I'd write the story, then make a script out of it. The movie turned out to be a production disaster and the little footage we have isn't really usable.
Everyone thought it was a good idea to hire them. I mean, who would’ve ever thought of it before, but it was perfect: ninja stagehands.
No one wants to see a bunch of stagehands moving furniture about, taking forever to change sets. Ninjas were the perfect answer. They dress all in black, they move quickly (very quickly). Hell, you never even SEE them. One minute your scene is a forest, the lights go down. Less than 3 seconds later you’re in the master bedroom of a mansion! Less than 3 SECONDS! It’s insanity.
But there was a problem. See, I hired these guys at the same time (they answered the same ad). I noticed upon their hire that they seemed to exchange a few glares. But it didn’t seem to be a problem. Hell, who cares if they don’t talk to each other—they don’t talk to anyone.
Things went smoothly for a while. During performances, the sets were changed before the actors could change costumes.
One night after a show everything changed. The show itself was great. As usual, the scenery changed with the blink of an eye. We had gotten to the point that we didn’t even close the curtain. The audience watched as the set just immediately changed. A puff of smoke and voila! new scene. The crowd was amazed.
It was after the show that all hell broke loose.
That night had been the last night of the performance. The ninja stagehands were busy taking down the set (in some fast motion, almost invisible way). We were all standing around watching fascinated.
But then, in one split second moment that seemed to last forever, we saw the board fall, fall, fall out of the ninja’s hands……and onto the other ninja’s foot.
There was a moment of silence. Not the normal ninja quiet. More of a foreboding “something is about to go down” type of quiet.
We stood silent ourselves, unable and frankly afraid to move. Both ninjas had stopped moving and were just glaring at one another. Neither had moved or looked away in this span of time. (It seemed like 4 hours, but my watch said it was just a few minutes).
We all waited in apprehension. What was about to happen? What could we do? So we did what anyone would do…….wait it out.
Someone in the crowd coughed. This small noise caused both ninjas to immediately take a fighting stance.
We heard the sound of a gong.
The door to the theater burst open and a crowd of people (all either ninjas or some sort of martial arts expert) ran in and stood behind (for lack of information) Ninja #1.
Then a second group of people (again all either ninjas or martial arts experts) joined in behind (don’t know his name either) Ninja #2.
They stood there looking at each other. Fighting stances. Then someone somewhere yelled “MORTAL KOMBAT!” and it was on. Let the bloodbath begin.
It was a strange (and quite random) sight to see, what with all the techno music that appeared out of nowhere.
The actors still stood watching, frozen. A few were caught in the crossfire of swords and Chinese stars. Actually, truth be told, all of them were eventually killed. (Let that be a lesson to you. Never become a spectator at a ninja fight).
By this point, the fights became one on one. And to the death. A few times I heard what sounded like a disembodied voice saying things like “finish him!” or “fatality!” but I can’t be sure.
At some point, only the 2 ninjas remained. They were just about to fight when, in a heroic effort, I found the stereo that was playing the techno ninja fight music. I immediately switched off the cd player. The ninjas stared at me stunned.
Fortunately, I had a stack of old cd’s with me (most of the cd’s in that case I would not want to admit to owning) including Eric Carmen’s “All by Myself.” I put in the cd and turned the volume up louder.
The ninjas still had not fought, and now had decided to sit on the stage and weep. I took this opportunity to point out that due to the fact that they had killed all my actors, gotten blood all over my sets, and just caused me lots of stress, that they would be sacked.
It was then that I vowed never to hire ninjas again.
copyright 2006 Tina Leach
Everyone thought it was a good idea to hire them. I mean, who would’ve ever thought of it before, but it was perfect: ninja stagehands.
No one wants to see a bunch of stagehands moving furniture about, taking forever to change sets. Ninjas were the perfect answer. They dress all in black, they move quickly (very quickly). Hell, you never even SEE them. One minute your scene is a forest, the lights go down. Less than 3 seconds later you’re in the master bedroom of a mansion! Less than 3 SECONDS! It’s insanity.
But there was a problem. See, I hired these guys at the same time (they answered the same ad). I noticed upon their hire that they seemed to exchange a few glares. But it didn’t seem to be a problem. Hell, who cares if they don’t talk to each other—they don’t talk to anyone.
Things went smoothly for a while. During performances, the sets were changed before the actors could change costumes.
One night after a show everything changed. The show itself was great. As usual, the scenery changed with the blink of an eye. We had gotten to the point that we didn’t even close the curtain. The audience watched as the set just immediately changed. A puff of smoke and voila! new scene. The crowd was amazed.
It was after the show that all hell broke loose.
That night had been the last night of the performance. The ninja stagehands were busy taking down the set (in some fast motion, almost invisible way). We were all standing around watching fascinated.
But then, in one split second moment that seemed to last forever, we saw the board fall, fall, fall out of the ninja’s hands……and onto the other ninja’s foot.
There was a moment of silence. Not the normal ninja quiet. More of a foreboding “something is about to go down” type of quiet.
We stood silent ourselves, unable and frankly afraid to move. Both ninjas had stopped moving and were just glaring at one another. Neither had moved or looked away in this span of time. (It seemed like 4 hours, but my watch said it was just a few minutes).
We all waited in apprehension. What was about to happen? What could we do? So we did what anyone would do…….wait it out.
Someone in the crowd coughed. This small noise caused both ninjas to immediately take a fighting stance.
We heard the sound of a gong.
The door to the theater burst open and a crowd of people (all either ninjas or some sort of martial arts expert) ran in and stood behind (for lack of information) Ninja #1.
Then a second group of people (again all either ninjas or martial arts experts) joined in behind (don’t know his name either) Ninja #2.
They stood there looking at each other. Fighting stances. Then someone somewhere yelled “MORTAL KOMBAT!” and it was on. Let the bloodbath begin.
It was a strange (and quite random) sight to see, what with all the techno music that appeared out of nowhere.
The actors still stood watching, frozen. A few were caught in the crossfire of swords and Chinese stars. Actually, truth be told, all of them were eventually killed. (Let that be a lesson to you. Never become a spectator at a ninja fight).
By this point, the fights became one on one. And to the death. A few times I heard what sounded like a disembodied voice saying things like “finish him!” or “fatality!” but I can’t be sure.
At some point, only the 2 ninjas remained. They were just about to fight when, in a heroic effort, I found the stereo that was playing the techno ninja fight music. I immediately switched off the cd player. The ninjas stared at me stunned.
Fortunately, I had a stack of old cd’s with me (most of the cd’s in that case I would not want to admit to owning) including Eric Carmen’s “All by Myself.” I put in the cd and turned the volume up louder.
The ninjas still had not fought, and now had decided to sit on the stage and weep. I took this opportunity to point out that due to the fact that they had killed all my actors, gotten blood all over my sets, and just caused me lots of stress, that they would be sacked.
It was then that I vowed never to hire ninjas again.
copyright 2006 Tina Leach