I used to read this at open mic night with cat ears on. I wrote this in 2007. Hopefully soon to be a short film.
To the Editors of the Gotham Gazette:
I have been reading your paper for a while and I am offended by the obvious slant that your stories have. I would like to clear things up a bit, regarding your so-called “hero” Batman. I don’t quite get his popularity. I mean, he’s a man in a black suit. He doesn’t even really look like a bat. And hello? Bats fly. With the exception of the Bat Copter, that man ain't flying. Any why a bat? It doesn’t even sound like the kind of thing a “good guy” would wear. Bats are nocturnal, they’re kinda spooky, and they carry rabies. Yeah, I’m gonna get behind that.
At least the rest of us make some damn sense. Catwoman= Cat Burgler, Joker=Practical Joker, Riddler=Riddler. Batman? Weird guy with no bat-like qualities who has an affinity for alliteration. (We’ll just leave the Penguin out of this because frankly he never made a lick of sense, he waddles, and his voice drove the rest of the United Underworld (for lack of a better term) batty.
And by the way, we ALL know he’s Bruce Wayne. How the hell could we not? I mean, Gotham isn’t THAT big. There’s one strange man dressing in costume fighting crime with a veritable arsenal within reach. Batmobile, Bat Boat, Bat Grenades, Bat Tank, Bat Sub Machine Gun. I mean seriously, the majority of this town is slums and alleys. Who could afford all that? I mean, I doubt it’s Stovepipe Jack, the happy hobo who lives in Alley 938. No, I’m betting it’s Bruce Wayne, millionaire playboy.
And to test that theory all we had to do was follow him home one night. Stately Wayne Manor is the ONLY thing remotely near the Secret Entrance to the Batcave.” Plus, one day we saw Alfred filling up the Batmobile at the local Chevron. It wasn’t hard to put 2 and 2 together.
So, why do you constantly refer to him as a hero? He destroys as much of Gotham City as all of us combined. Does the city pay for that? WE unionized. We don’t interfere in each other’s fiendish plots. We aim small. I mean, we haven’t even tried to steal ANYTHING with a superlative in the title for ages.
But if Batman sees any one of us, he goes completely insane. Chasing all over, running over every hydrant, destroying bridges, scaring old ladies, leaving Gotham in a shambles all because he saw me shopping for laundry detergent at the local Safeway. He yelled something about stopping the “pussycat’s plot to purloin powder.” I HAD MY DEBIT CARD IN MY HAND! Look, I’d steal the Queen of Londinium’s crown jewels if given half the chance but I got better things to do than shoplift a box of Tide. Give me some credit.
Batman also tore up half of a Hallmark shop just because he saw the Riddler. He was writing in a card, which is CUSTOMARY when your Uncle Stu turns 85. What is not customary is guttural shouting and violence, and an assumption that everything one writes is a clue for you. The poor Riddler was left with a shredded greeting card and a black eye. Happy Birthday Uncle Stu.
Do you know how many trick or treat houses were damaged on Halloween because Batman kept thinking he saw the Scarecrow?
And I won’t even go into the Joker’s balloon incident at Party City.
Needless to say, he’s got some bats in the belfry. He’s obviously a power-hungry, egocentric lunatic. But the city just writes it off as protecting Gotham from “supervillains” and someone gets thrown in Arkham because they dared run a few errands in Bat Town.
So, in conclusion, Batman’s press releases are at best flawed. I’d suggest you contact our attorney Harvey Dent for our side of the story before you report errors, omissions, and the obvious ravings of a madman. Batman costs the city more than he helps it. Maybe you should pursue this story. Maybe Batman should do a spell in Arkham and sort out some of his violence issues. Maybe some bills should be sent to Wayne Enterprises instead. And just maybe there might be some peace in this town, provided the police department stops using the bat signal to let Batman know that Louie the Lilac has been spotted at the perfume counter at Macy’s.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Selina “Catwoman” Kyle
United Underworld
Local 159
To the Editors of the Gotham Gazette:
I have been reading your paper for a while and I am offended by the obvious slant that your stories have. I would like to clear things up a bit, regarding your so-called “hero” Batman. I don’t quite get his popularity. I mean, he’s a man in a black suit. He doesn’t even really look like a bat. And hello? Bats fly. With the exception of the Bat Copter, that man ain't flying. Any why a bat? It doesn’t even sound like the kind of thing a “good guy” would wear. Bats are nocturnal, they’re kinda spooky, and they carry rabies. Yeah, I’m gonna get behind that.
At least the rest of us make some damn sense. Catwoman= Cat Burgler, Joker=Practical Joker, Riddler=Riddler. Batman? Weird guy with no bat-like qualities who has an affinity for alliteration. (We’ll just leave the Penguin out of this because frankly he never made a lick of sense, he waddles, and his voice drove the rest of the United Underworld (for lack of a better term) batty.
And by the way, we ALL know he’s Bruce Wayne. How the hell could we not? I mean, Gotham isn’t THAT big. There’s one strange man dressing in costume fighting crime with a veritable arsenal within reach. Batmobile, Bat Boat, Bat Grenades, Bat Tank, Bat Sub Machine Gun. I mean seriously, the majority of this town is slums and alleys. Who could afford all that? I mean, I doubt it’s Stovepipe Jack, the happy hobo who lives in Alley 938. No, I’m betting it’s Bruce Wayne, millionaire playboy.
And to test that theory all we had to do was follow him home one night. Stately Wayne Manor is the ONLY thing remotely near the Secret Entrance to the Batcave.” Plus, one day we saw Alfred filling up the Batmobile at the local Chevron. It wasn’t hard to put 2 and 2 together.
So, why do you constantly refer to him as a hero? He destroys as much of Gotham City as all of us combined. Does the city pay for that? WE unionized. We don’t interfere in each other’s fiendish plots. We aim small. I mean, we haven’t even tried to steal ANYTHING with a superlative in the title for ages.
But if Batman sees any one of us, he goes completely insane. Chasing all over, running over every hydrant, destroying bridges, scaring old ladies, leaving Gotham in a shambles all because he saw me shopping for laundry detergent at the local Safeway. He yelled something about stopping the “pussycat’s plot to purloin powder.” I HAD MY DEBIT CARD IN MY HAND! Look, I’d steal the Queen of Londinium’s crown jewels if given half the chance but I got better things to do than shoplift a box of Tide. Give me some credit.
Batman also tore up half of a Hallmark shop just because he saw the Riddler. He was writing in a card, which is CUSTOMARY when your Uncle Stu turns 85. What is not customary is guttural shouting and violence, and an assumption that everything one writes is a clue for you. The poor Riddler was left with a shredded greeting card and a black eye. Happy Birthday Uncle Stu.
Do you know how many trick or treat houses were damaged on Halloween because Batman kept thinking he saw the Scarecrow?
And I won’t even go into the Joker’s balloon incident at Party City.
Needless to say, he’s got some bats in the belfry. He’s obviously a power-hungry, egocentric lunatic. But the city just writes it off as protecting Gotham from “supervillains” and someone gets thrown in Arkham because they dared run a few errands in Bat Town.
So, in conclusion, Batman’s press releases are at best flawed. I’d suggest you contact our attorney Harvey Dent for our side of the story before you report errors, omissions, and the obvious ravings of a madman. Batman costs the city more than he helps it. Maybe you should pursue this story. Maybe Batman should do a spell in Arkham and sort out some of his violence issues. Maybe some bills should be sent to Wayne Enterprises instead. And just maybe there might be some peace in this town, provided the police department stops using the bat signal to let Batman know that Louie the Lilac has been spotted at the perfume counter at Macy’s.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Selina “Catwoman” Kyle
United Underworld
Local 159
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